Being None Needy

Being 'none needy' is crucial in so many aspects of life... vital in reaching my goals too.

When I was younger, before a chess match I used do a lot of visualisation... I'd imagine myself in the zone, focusing hard, winning the match... all good things in theory. But I probably 'over thought' it. I was already expecting the winning outcome... without fully being present in playing sometimes. And if I didn't win sometimes I hated myself.

Coming home from the chessclub one night, I said to a fellow player "I don't dislike losing THAT much." "Yeah you do. And the thing is... if you hate losing so much, you'll be scared to win."

Stuck with me.

One of my most important chess wins came after I'd be working in the saftey bus until about 2am. Key match- relegation battle in 1st division of Yorkshire league. If Huddersfield lost that one they were probably going down. Obviously I wanted to win, but "didn't have time" to prepare that much... before the match I was nervous... I knew that I could lose. Playing this game against a guy studying for a Phd... got into a difficult position. I knew that if I just sat passively I'd lose... in other words really if I just went into a stream of over analysis I'd just be losing time on my clock. Just thought "if I just make normal moves I'm probably going to lose anyway... might as well try something reckless". The pawn move I made was reckless, and I KNEW objectively it probably wasn't the best move, but it created complications. In honesty, the idea was probably based on Jeremy Silman's theory of 'imbalances' in a chess position too.

Ten moves later I struck some tactical blows and won the game. That was the only game I won in the top division.

Similar things before exams. I so wanted to do well. Again probably too much visualisation, putting too much pressure on myself... I remember in one exam though I just believed I knew the material (and I did really... had studied it all last year) so didn't even bother preparing that much. Got 94% in that exam.

One book that really hit home for me was The Inner Game of Tennis . The author talks about how the subconscious mind already knows exactly how to hit the ball... if you think too much with your conscious mind you won't strike it right. Of course, you might think some situations are more 'mentally complex' than hitting a ball but the same principle applies... your subconscious mind knows what it wants to do you've just got to let it do it!

Alright, so in terms of interacting with people it's the same thing. Sales is a decent example... and I'll use it because that's what I do a lot of the time! If a person senses you a too desperate for the sale, you'll never get it. However... if you are non detached to the outcome of the interaction but obviously still have the goal of selling you'll do much better. How really 'non detached' you are shows in your body language and tone of voice. Sometimes I'll walk away from a pitch thinking... yeah I said all the right things there, but really that customer didn't buy because my tone sounded a bit nervous.

I've had quite a lot of sales where I've been walking away from the customer and they've run back to me saying..... "Wait! I... I... I want it after all!" Always makes me chuckle after :).

In any interaction you have to be totally comfortable with the outcome. If you are nervous about a negative outcome it's more likely to happen... and again, it'll show in micro expressions or your tone. And let's be honest, most interactions we have in the UK are hardly dangerous... oh so you didn't get the sale.... erm there are only over another 60 million to sell to in the UK. The 'hot girl isn't interested'? Lols, her loss, next.




(You know... I kinda wanted to leave it there... just seems a bit... negative you know :))

Liked writing this out, solidified the concepts for me! TBH yesterday I was thinking... hmm.... should you really write this out... you could actually be WORKING ON YOUR GOALS MORE CONCRETELY. But today I just felt like doing it, so I did- trust your subconscious!